5 secrets to happy first 10 years in marriage

We just celebrated our 10 year wedding anniversary. We’re incredibly grateful for our past decade where we were able to navigate through the life challenges together. The first 10 years in marriage are both exciting and challenging at the same time. It is when the couple’s learning to think beyond selves, and also for most, learning to be parents for the first time. Given all the drastic changes, it is not surprising that about 32% of marriages end in divorce within the first 10 years in the US. Reflecting on our marriage, there are a few principles that helped us get through the many bumps along the road. If you’re still early in your marriage, about to get married, or one day hope to start a family, please read on to see if any of these may help in building a fulfilling life together.

1. Know what you want in marriage

A happy and healthy marriage starts even before the couple says “I do”. Before walking down the aisle, make sure that you know the answers to the following questions:

• What do I want in marriage and in a partner?

• Why do I want to get married?

• What values are most important to me?

A person that was most fun to date may not necessarily be the one you hope to marry. Also, it is very difficult to fundamentally change a person as a grown-up. If you marry someone whose values are not aligned to yours, or who don’t have the same vision of a happy marriage as you do, then you may want to think twice about tying the knot.

Lack of commitment, for instance, is the most commonly cited reason for divorce. If the couple’s values around family are aligned, then the couple will be able to stay committed to each other. As an example, no matter how good looking you thought your partner was when you married, his or her looks will inevitably change over time. In ten years, the couple will both most likely have more gray, or less hair, more wrinkles, and maybe a tiny bit more weight. Lack of sleep, stress, and unhealthy diet may accelerate this unstoppable force of aging. If the couple’s values are aligned from the very beginning, these physical changes will not impact the bond that the couple formed. Who knows? You may even begin to see your partner as better looking now than 10 years ago.

2. Over-communicate and resolve conflicts quickly

You probably guessed this one. Yes, it’s about communication and conflict resolution. Experts say that a couple needs at least 90 minutes of meaningful conversation in a week. I thought that was not too much of an ask, until I had kids. With kids, we had many days when the first time we really talked was lying down in bed at night. We would ask each other “how was your day” almost half asleep. With so much demands from kids, home, and work, it’s so easy to deprioritize each other. To avoid emotionally drifting apart as a couple, try below:

• Commit to a date nights. A twenty minute walk around the neighborhood block may be enough to catch up with each other every week. If possible, try to have at least a monthly real date nights. Make time to listen to the other person’s frustrations, hopes, and aspirations. Be there emotionally for him/her when the person needs you. It is worth it.

• Don’t go to bed angry. This rule has saved our marriage countless times. My husband and I usually end up chatting late at night after kids are in bed. This is also when we usually get into conflicts. This rule was not easy for us, because there is very short time to resolve the conflict. My husband has been much better at initiating a peace dialogue late at night, and I’m grateful he always did. We both would have a better sleep and wake up the next morning with a renewed commitment to go over the hump together.

• Don’t characterize a person when fighting. Once the honeymoon phase is over, it becomes so tempting to say “you always do this” or “you’re always like that”. When something triggers a conflict, don’t characterize a person. Just focus on that one event and give constructive feedback. There’s nothing more frustrating than to hear your partner characterize you and bring forth what you did who knows how many years ago.

3. Shift mindset from ‘me’ to ‘us’

I thought I knew what thinking of “us vs me” meant when I got married. I then realized I never really understood its true meaning until I had kids. Without kids, my husband and I were able to support each other’s career goals and aspirations. Then when kids came to the picture, that’s when we both realized it’s no longer just about each of our individual goals, but our collective goals as a family. Instead of “what’s good for me and my spouse”, we began prioritizing “what’s good for our family”. It led to big shifts and changes that we didn’t anticipate before kids, such as my departure from corporate job to spend more time with kids. The decisions didn’t come easy but we both knew these were right for our family in the long-run. We both made sacrifices but didn’t feel like those. We were happy that we made very thoughtful decisions together for the best of our family.

4. Give each other space

While there is a shift in mindset from ‘me’ to ‘us’, it is just as important to give each other space. As a human being, we are most happy when we are at balance. Family is one aspect, but individuality and community are others. As a couple, we made sure that we helped each other get the gift of alone time from kids to explore, learn, or just do nothing. My husband would for instance go for a run, play magic, or do gardening while I watch the kids. He would also do the same so that I can do my own things too. Marriage helps form a special bond and that bond can only last if each member feels balanced in all aspects of life.

5. Commit daily to make marriage work

Marriage is no joke. It is a lot of hard work. Every moment of everyday, make a conscious decision to make this marriage the priority. As we age and go through different life stages, we’ll have to continuously make efforts to understand what the other person’s going through. Always on the run, we sometimes could behave or say things in a way that makes our spouse feel hurt. After spending all the energies on the kids and work, it’s so tempting to just behave hastily to our spouses. Prioritize spouse over kids, every time. Kids will later thank us parents for living an exemplary marriage life that gave them happy childhood and precious memories.

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